The Daily

 

The most difficult aspect of losing a spouse is keeping the daily sanity balance.  

We all experience this in different ways and there is no prescription or magic recipe to make things better all of a sudden.  It is not possible.  You might hear from friends and family members that one needs to move on, that there is nothing we can do, that life on earth is for the living, and so on.  I understand the words but what I feel, based on my own experience is hard, it hurts.  We live through all of these, but it is a balancing act.

It is especially challenging for parents.  

We have two daughters, they are 18 and 21 years old.  No one is ready to lose their mother at an early age.  For them, it continues to be very difficult.  I have noticed that they grieve differently.  One of them has addressed the loss of her mother head-on while the other embraced the situation stoically by herself.   I did not try to change her mind but after almost two years of losing our beloved she finds it difficult and it shows.  It is very clear that they both face this loss differently.   I do not want to mention their names but if they ever read what Dad wrote on these pages they will know exactly who is who.

I embrace my responsibilities with my family willingly because I love them.  Furthermore, when my wife stopped breathing I promised her that I shall look after our daughters with devotion.  They say that the brain continues to "hear" after the first few minutes of passing hence I wanted my wife to hear my promise before she completely went into eternal sleep.  She knew that I have always taken it very seriously when I promised her something.  I wanted her to sleep peacefully.

But to take care of our children I needed to take care of myself and I had to do this concurrently.

When it comes to looking after myself there is still lots of room for improvement.  Accomplishments are sometimes accompanied by defeats, the learning never ends.  I try not to falsely reward my performance by repeating to myself "I do the best I can", which is true but I know better than that.

What have I done since my wife's passing?  I have returned to work, I was part of a grief therapy group in 2021, organized by the local hospice.  Although we had in-person meeting restrictions due to COVID, we met every week online.  Once restrictions were lifted some of us went on walks and had gatherings to continue to share our experiences.  We supported each other.  Personally, I have started to write this blog which helps me immensely.

If I had to select the most important learning the group therapy taught me I would have to say that I learned that we all heal and grieve differently and this prepared me for dealing with my daughters.  It helped me understand them better.

Christina did a good job raising our children.  Nothing is perfect in this experiment we call life, everything is trial and error.  However, essentially, Christina got it right and our daughters have good hearts.  I explained to one of them that her sister is having problems and she listened attentively.  "What can I do to help?" - "Ask her and listen to her and tell her that you are sorry she is going through this crisis.  Give her a hug and let her know you are there for her."  After that conversation, she stopped what she was doing and went to her sister's room.  It moved me.  "They are going to be ok", I heard their mother say in my mind.

After the first few days of my wife's passing I was mad at God because I should have been taken along with her.  Today I think very differently and I am glad I am here to help my daughters.  My mission is to help them and give them my unconditional love and support for the rest of my life.

Dot... dot, do, dot, dot... dot

 

Every morning when I open my eyes, the first thing I see is a picture of Christina on my night table. She is smiling and looking at me. I remember clearly taking that picture.  The picture gives me a familiar warm feeling. 

Back in 1993, after escaping Canada to avoid deportation, under a leafy Floridian tree on a sunny afternoon, I was getting ready to write my first letter to Christina from the USA.  I had so many things to tell her but my hand had refused to write.   Then, with a very soft movement, I placed a dot in the middle of the page, followed by another dot, then another, and another, and another, and a rain of dots flooded the page with a chaotic cadence to make sense only later.  As the dot madness intensified a picture of Christina and me started to emerge.  After a while, in the same way I started this creation my hand stopped.  

I looked at the picture and loved it, like a parent loves the first sight of a born child, signed it, and put it in the mail.  No words, only my name, and the date.  What else could I have added?

Christina loved that picture.   I know where the picture is but it is very personal and it was only for her.

As the hours turn into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and years there is not a moment I do not think of my wife.  On a sunny day, she would tell me "Jose, the early morning and the late afternoon hours are the best for taking pictures, the lighting is perfect.  Colors have so much life in them, it is like they want to jump and dance!".  

Millions of sensations also make my imagination hear her voice, and think of her.  It could be music, a fragrance, a sound, a street, a beautiful tree, or food, the list is endless, just like the number of dots in my picture.