My Family After Tragedy

Every 21st day of each month will live in my memory as long as I exist. Late morning, I visited the cemetery and brought flowers to The Rock.  Later in the twilight of the day, I visited The Rock again, this time accompanied by Raquel.  We took a few Christmas balls of different colors to adorn one of the bushes in the proximity.  We also took a ceramic little house with a light inside.  After our tasks were completed, Raquel and I stood in silence for a few minutes looking at the site where her mother rests. At this time of the year, sunset arrives early in British Columbia, and at about 4:30 PM it is very dark outside.  After dinner and around 7:30 PM I visited the cemetery again.  I wanted to see the little ceramic house lit.  It looked beautiful and more so as some of the glass balls adorning the neighboring bush reflected, dimly, the light of the little house.  I am sure Christina loves it. The rest of the cemetery looked very peaceful at tha...

  Today is a particularly difficult day for me.   Writing the previous two stories, Once Upon a Time a Charro  and Explain Yourself! , made me feel very close to my wife as if the events captured in these stories have come to life and I was transported back in time.  This feeling made me feel warm and happy, but it uncovers a deep sense of longing for my wife that I cannot stop.  Sometimes I think I am going a little mad by viewing the world through this new retro-reality I am creating. Whatever the case; there is something sublime about remembering a loved one who meant the world to me.  Remembering comes with a price; it hurts. There is so much more about us and so little time to write it!

A few weeks ago I joint a grieving support group organized by my local hospice (1).  Following COVID protocols we are meeting online.  We are part of this group because we have all lost someone close and dear to us.   Attending these meetings shows very clearly that we all share a deep sense of sorrow.  As I write these lines I can visualize their faces and hear their voices telling stories of love and sacrifice; how much it hurts to lose someone so special; how powerless we feel not being able to prevent the final end from arriving. I have discovered how amazing these people are.  We are similar because we belong to this big family that we call humanity: we love, fight, and endure the most severe circumstances encountered on our paths.  We all did the same for our loved ones, we fought for life until the bitter end.  We were there until the last breath holding hands, bodies, and souls, committed. Amazingly; we are different, and that is what make...

Opened a drawer and there it was, under a pile of papers waiting to be rediscovered!    This picture decorated the wall across from my bed in New York.  I could see it clearly before closing my eyes for a good night's sleep, to dream of the day we could be together again, my wife and me.  I have not found the original yet; I know it is somewhere ! There we were in the lobby of The Edgewater in Seattle the day before getting married!  How beautiful we were! Today I was practicing one of my rituals; while I was working on the dining room table Christina's picture was "watching" a show about Egyptian Gods on Prime.  Raquel; our youngest daughter walked into the living room and asked me what I was doing.  I explained to her the ritual, that it was OK to do that because it makes me feel better.  Interestingly, she was wearing a sweater from Mom because it makes her feel better.   We hugged and she asked me for the URL address of my blog....

There is a story behind every photograph taken.  Pictures are testimonies, they have their own soul and objectives.  One can look at the picture and wonder "why was this picture taken?  What is it trying to tell me?"  It could be a happy moment, something beautiful, endless possibilities.  Pictures even take new dimensions under the fantasy and creativity of the curious onlooker. In the summer of 2014, my family and I were walking on Main Street Barkerville Historic Park & Town; browsing and window shopping.  The street was very busy, boiling with actors, and actresses wearing the attire from the old days.  It is difficult not to be enchanted by ancient buildings, the irregular dirt road, the actors, horse riders trotting slowly, accompanied by a coach horse-drawn style carriage lifting a slight cloud of dust, like a portrait from years long gone.  The only pieces out of place were the tourists trying to blend in. An actor playing Billy Barker...

Road trip! There wasn't a summer that we didn't set out to discover new places in British Columbia, and road trips were a joy for our family. Our roads are well built and maintained, very safe to travel on. There are attractions for all tastes, but if I have to select my favorite, that distinction belongs to the Cariboo Gold Rush Trail! The Cariboo Road, a project that started in the mid-19th century starts a few kilometers north of Hope, in Fort Yale.  This town has an interesting history, and it helped make a lot of people very rich during the Fraser River Goldrush.  To this day, modern prospectors visit Fort Yale, where the province holds an open claim for everyone to try their luck. We visited Fort Yale many times over the years; it was one of our favorite close-to-home road trips destinations.  The warm breeze combing the trees, the sound of the raging river, the girls running around laughing, and Christina cooking Goulash on the riverbank while I was gold panning is...

Early this morning I made Date Squares, our favorite road trip snack!  Last night I went to bed hoping the weather would improve on Hwy 3 on route to Manning Provincial Park, but no; the winter storm warning is still in effect and the advice is not to venture onto the roads unless strictly necessary. Although for me it is, on this special day of the year; I turned to "your advice" and decided to wait for signs of improvement in the weather. Maybe tomorrow there will be a break in the weather and I can go visit one of our favorite places in British Columbia; I need this. This morning I was also busy looking for a photograph that is alive in my mind but I could not find it; I could draw that image, I will describe it to you. On December 20, 1994, my flight from New York landed in Seattle. You were waiting for me at the airport standing by the gate being so beautiful! Our meeting after many months was wonderful, but we wanted to get married and we had to decide what to do next. ...

 As I write these words, the clock keeps ticking against my will for the next minute and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I would give a part of me to see my wife again, hear her voice and feel her skin, touch her hair, smell the fragrance of her breath, so sweet ... This month will mark six months since I lost my wife, but it will also be our 27th wedding anniversary. We had known each other for a long time and I was very much in love with her the day she died, just like the first time I realized that she was my beloved 30 years ago. I recently started reading a book for widowers. After reading the first few pages, I was moved because I could sympathize with the author: we both lost our wives in very similar circumstances and we both fought for their lives until the last breath; however, the life that I shared with my wife changed me in ways that are difficult to explain, even to understand, even by myself; it is like if we had fused into each other.  How can that be und...

What you are about to read forms the basis of a speech that I delivered   at the Toastmaster Club where my wife Christina used to be a member.  The speech was part of a special edition of the club to honor Christina. I run out of time but the club was very gracious and allowed me to deliver my speech without interruption. Thanks

When I tell my daughters that their mother was amazing, I am not sure they grasp the magnitude of her stature. They tell me – “Yes dad, we know”. I remember the day I saw Christina the first time. It was in the halls of the chemistry department of Simon Fraser University. We both entered this long hallway at the same time, in opposite directions, in white lab coats, and we had the opportunity to take a good look at each other. When we passed our eyes crossed. She kept walking without turning but I looked back to see her disappear into one of the laboratories. “ Wow, I do not have a remote chance with that girl! ” Years later, after we reunited in Vancouver, she told me that she thought the same "- He is going to make a woman very happy one day"  - She told me that she had no idea that it was going to be her. After I received the ultimatum letter from Canada Immigration, I was left with no option but to escape to the United States and avoid deportation and possible impriso...

  In one of the photos of our wedding day I was crying, and I started to cry since we were declared husband and wife. In that picture I am holding my wife’s flowers, she gave them to me to help me settle down. It worked, and a few minutes later I was calm and happy again. On the way to the hotel, where we were going to have our wedding dinner Christina was driving and I said, “We are married!!!”, and started to cry again, this time inconsolably encouraged by the fact that we were alone in the car. I could not stop!  Again, Christina gave me a map of Seattle and told me “here, help us get there!”. Why was I crying so hard? Yes, I was very happy but there was more, and it will all make sense if you keep reading. 1993 was a difficult year for me and my relationship with Christina. Sincerely, I thought that we could not survive that year. In 1992 I decided not to return to Cuba, for my own reasons and applied for refugee status under the Geneva Convention in Canada. Because I was ...

On the evening of May 12th, just after we finished dinner, Christina settled into her favorite reclining chair. This was her sanctuary—a place where she would meditate for hours, sometimes drifting off to sleep. I'd often go to her, gently caress her forehead, and she would respond with a quiet smile, her eyes fluttering open. But on this night, there was no response. She seemed to be in a very deep sleep. "Rest, Christina," I thought, and I went back to the kitchen to do the dishes. The quiet was broken by our older daughter, Livia. "Dad, Mom's nose is bleeding." "It's a side effect," I said, my hands still wet from the sink. "The Avastin can do that." Livia's voice was filled with worry. "What if it's not? Should we call 911?" I wanted to avoid the emergency room and the risk of COVID, so I decided to call the on-call oncologist first. "Let's see what the doctor says," I told her. "You can go ahe...

Friday, June 25th was a bittersweet day for me.  I spent precious minutes in the company of my wife before she was cremated.  At the funeral home, a chapel was prepared where she was waiting for me. When I entered the chapel, she was lying peacefully  wearing a hospital gown.  -"Do not worry honey, I brought you a nice dress and flowers".  The funeral director helped me dress my wife for the last time. The ceremony was a private affair.  Some of our friends and family members sent flowers and cards - I read their messages to her.  For this meeting, I created a  bouquet of flowers  from her garden and added to it two flowers from each floral arrangement that she received at home. Special privilege was given to her hands and she held two Ingrid Bergman red roses grown in her garden; her hands were beautiful! She looked peaceful, I am happy that the funeral home did a dignified job and I thank them for that. For her journey, she wore one of he...

Christina's tumor was discovered on the evening of Monday, February 3rd, 2020.   Early in the day, she called me at my work to tell me that she could not concentrate on her work, that it was extremely difficult to put a sentence together.  I thought that she was feeling too much pressure to close difficult business deals that she had been working on for the past few months.  To help her relax, I suggested taking the afternoon off and prepare for the evening Toastmaster's meeting, where she was going to deliver a speech - "go easy on yourself Christina, it is just a deal". Toastmasters was Christina's favorite activity.  She was an exceptional speaker.  Her aspiration was to become a professional speaker, go on tours and enjoy her life doing what she felt really passionate about.  I had seen Christina speak at different events and enjoyed her talks immensely.  Her voice intonations, always calm and confident, body language perfect.  She always...

On June 21, 2021, at 9:20 PM the light in the eyes of my wife, Christina Iren Horvath, ceased to shine.  Her family was with her: our two daughters, Livia and Raquel, and me.  She will be greatly missed; she was a beacon in our lives. While she was taking her last breaths of life Raquel was playing her clarinet, and Livia was comforting her telling her that we were there, that she was not alone, I was holding her hand.  In the last second, I felt her grip getting slightly tighter, then a slow release as two big pearls came down her cheeks and her breathing stopped.  I think that she was sad that she was leaving us, that we will miss her. I am very proud of our girls and I know that Christina, as a new angel in the firmament, is also proud of them. We lost Christina to Glioblastoma (GBM) a very aggressive type of brain cancer.  All GBMs types are grade IV and, as of today, there is no cure for it. The objective of this blog is to honor my family and the memory of...