If Wishes Were Horses

How can I describe my wife's final 40 days of life?

On the evening of May 12th, right after dinner, Christina sat on her favorite reclining chair. Every day she would spend many hours of meditation reclined on her chair and it was not uncommon for her to fall asleep. Very often I would approach her to caress her forehead and she would respond by opening her eyes with a smile. However, this evening she did not respond. I thought that she was sleeping very deeply - "Rest Christina", I thought and returned to my after-dinner housework.

While in the kitchen I am interrupted by our older daughter.

"Dad, mom's nose is bleeding"

"It is expected Livia, the current treatment with Avastin can cause nose bleed side effects" - I said while drying my hands.

"What if this is something else? Should we call 911?".

"Let me reach out to the oncologist On-Call at the hospital first and whatever the doctor says we will do. You can wake up mom and clean her nose" - I was trying to avoid going to the emergency if it was not necessary to avoid contact with COVID patients.

The oncologist responded to my call swiftly to confirm that the bleeding was to be expected. I also explained to the doctor that my wife was very lethargic, more than usual. I noted that two days prior she had stopped taking dexamethasone and perhaps she should go back on the medication again until she saw her oncologist in the coming days. The doctor agreed but mentioned that if the nose bleeding could not be controlled or if she went unconscious then to take her to an emergency department of the nearest hospital.

Talking to the doctor gave us some reassurance and the hope that mom was going to be "OK".

But then; if wishes were horses, my wife fell silent and unresponsive. We called the paramedics and rushed her to the hospital. A CAT scan did not show bleeding but more growth could be seen. At this time the decision was made to increase corticosteroid to the maximum and take her into the palliative care ward.

Comments

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Dear Love, Forgive me, it has been a while since I have written to you. It is not for the lack of news; home is buzzing with events typical of growing pains and gaining experience. For me, it is just about missing your hands, warm body, your words; missing planning something to do together. I must admit, you always had the best ideas. Recently I became a Master Chef , but not the kind of chef popular among all ages; oh, no! I cook your dishes, daring, adventurous, and full of flavor! I set the table and see you on your chair , right opposite to mine displaying my favorite smile, approving the dinner. I remember when you made Spaghetti Tomato Bassilic for the first time. You thought that I was not going to like it. Boy, were you in for a surprise! It became my favorite dinner! You made it for me. What a treat! Oh, Christina, you were the wife I always wanted to have! The fact that we found each other made me feel very special. We worked hard to be together and celebrated

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