It's been a Long Time Since I've Seen Her

To our daughters;

I learned so much from your mother!  She was my lover and my bosom friend.   

The summer of 1992 was running in earnest and Mom and I were escaping every day to many different places around the mainland.  We were having the time of our lives!  At the end of the summer, I did not have a penny left but was the happiest man alive!

Mom had a white 1989 Chevrolet Cavalier station wagon.  Her car smelled like a wet dog, Sam, her dog, was the main passenger before she met me.  That car would break down every 100 kilometers or so and would run out of gas as soon as the gas red light went on, and guess who had to push; your Dad!  But, we were like peas and carrots and as happy as they came.

You always tell me - "Dad, you know strange old words and expressions no one uses these days!" Your mom is responsible for that!

I learned what a "Sea Shanty" is in that white Cavalier listening to CBC radio.   The station had a show on sailors and fishermen and how poorly the New Founland fishing industry was doing in those days due to overfishing by Spanish fishing boats.  Between commentaries, they would play a song.  One of the songs reached me very profoundly, I was very impressed by the lyrics and told your mother - "That song is amazing, I love it  What is it?"  - and with a smile, she answered  - " It is a genre of traditional folk song that was once commonly sung as a work song to accompany rhythmical labor aboard fishing and merchant sailing vessels.  Sailors would sing them a Cappella; they could not get a guitar out while working!".  The song was "One More Pull" by Ian Woods.  I remember telling your mom that I could appreciate that song; I come from sailors as well!

How the mind works is absolutely fascinating; it never ceases to impress me.  Those are impressions.  

I listened to that song today and tears came from my eyes.  The shanty has a new meaning for me.  I love you girls.

Your Dad,

XOXOXO

Settling the Score

Today, completely out of the blue, I remembered a story from my childhood. 

In my neighborhood, there was a child whom everyone called "Buchee".  This fellow was a lot older than me, about three or four years older.  Therefore, if I recall correctly he must have been a young teenager when these events happened.

Buchee lived near my maternal grandparents, who lived two blocks from where I lived.  Every time I visited my grandparents I had to walk by Buchee's house and we would exchange hellos and sometimes we would tease each other lightly, nothing offensive.  I would visit my grandparents daily after school therefore I would walk the distance every day and most days Buchee and I would exchange friendly words.  

One evening a group of children, including me, were playing cards on the sidewalk, a few doors from my grandparents.  These games could be very competitive and the currency used at that time was crystal marbles.  At some point, the stakes were very high and the pool of marbles was considerable.  Buchee was participating in the game, but suddenly, he grabbed as many marbles as he could with both hands and ran away.  Acts like this one were common among kids in these kinds of games and to prevent these losses kids would "hire" other children as security guards and these guys were paid with an agreed-upon amount of "marbles" per game.  

After we recovered from the shock of Buchee's assault we gave chase, but Buchee was a big guy and could run faster than all of us.  We chased him to his house but he hid inside and there was nothing we could do.  We knocked at the door and complained to Buchee's parents that we had been robbed however they were not sympathetic and we had to leave empty-handed.  That day the game security guards were not paid and instead had to hear our most incendiary complaints about their inability to stop the crime.  In fairness, they were also overtaken by how fast the entire incident unfolded.

That evening was not the first time I had been robbed but for some reason that time I was furious and was not willing to accept my fate.  The next day, on my way to my grandparents I came across Buchee and told him to hand back the marbles, to which he refused.  His response was that he had the marbles in his pockets and if I really wanted them back I had to take them from him.

Rage came over me and I entered Buchee's house garden to take the marbles back at all cost.  Buchee was stronger than me and he beat me.  I gave it all but, I had to leave defeated, sore, and without my marbles, but I was not discouraged.  The next day I came across Buchee and the outcome was the same; a bloody battle and no marbles for me.  The following day the same thing happened, and the next day, and the next day.  

Everywhere I would see Buchee I would attack him without even saying a word.  This could happen on the street, in the park, walking by the river, at the local grocery store, and anywhere.  Sometimes I would pounce on him give him a couple of punches and run away.  It was total war.

When I was completely confident that I could defeat him I planned the final battle carefully.  For the decisive encounter, I selected a trail that Buchee used to take on his way home from school.  The plan was simple: ambush him in the trail and make him pay.

The day of the final battle I went straight to the trail after school and waited hidden in the bushes.  When I saw Buchee approach I pounced in front of him and told him "I want my marbles back" standing in front of him with my fists closed as hard as I could.  Buchee looked at me horrified.  The look of his face did not make me feel good but I was determined to recover my property.  "Return my marbles and there would be no more trouble"; said I firmly looking straight into his eyes.  He agreed.  I felt that The Code had been applied - no punches required if I felt that victory had been achieved. We walked together to his house in silence.

When we arrived, he entered the house while I waited outside. After a few minutes, he came out with a small sack of crystal marbles.  "I do not have all the marbles you say I took.  This is all I have" - said Buchee.  Perhaps he left part of his collection in the house but I felt bad for him and took all but five marbles which was the minimum amount accepted to participate in a marble card gambling game.

After I felt my honor restored, I did not have a single bad feeling for Buchee.  The next day on my way to my grandparents I saw Buchee and we exchanged greetings, just as if nothing had ever happened.  We continued to play together in many games.  However, I never forgot that he had taken my marbles but I got them back.

I do not know why I remembered this story today and saw all these events replaying in my mind.  Perhaps I never told Christina and will need to wait until I have an opportunity to tell her.

Dear Love

 

Dear Love,

Forgive me, it has been a while since I have written to you.  It is not for the lack of news; home is buzzing with events typical of growing pains and gaining experience.  For me, it is just about missing your hands, warm body, your words; missing planning something to do together.  I must admit, you always had the best ideas.

Recently I became a Master Chef, but not the kind of chef popular among all ages; oh, no!  I cook your dishes, daring, adventurous, and full of flavor!  I set the table and see you on your chair, right opposite to mine displaying my favorite smile, approving the dinner.   I remember when you made Spaghetti Tomato Bassilic for the first time.  You thought that I was not going to like it.  Boy, were you in for a surprise!  It became my favorite dinner!  You made it for me.  What a treat!

Oh, Christina, you were the wife I always wanted to have!  The fact that we found each other made me feel very special.  We worked hard to be together and celebrated our love during our time together.  No one day did not happen.  I miss you so!

It will be more difficult to travel during holidays now; we have pets, two cats.  Their names are Sophy and Nikky.  They are sisters.  Sophy likes me but Nikky is a little difficult.  I got them mainly for our girls.  The cats adore Raquel.  I have mentioned to Raquel that you had a cat that you loved very much.  I showed her your picture holding Puss and she holds her cats the same in a way, I figure, to get closer to you.  

This winter I would like to visit Lightning Lake on our anniversary at Manning Park.  I'd like that very much although I know you won't be there.

Missing you always,

Your husband.

Ps: I wonder if you have a computer where you are for you to read my blog.   I am writing here because I do not know your email address.

Where is the Wisdom

 

During the past few months, I have written stories about my family, things we have done together, and how I feel about Christina not being here physically.  While I think about all of these stories, events, and feelings, it becomes evident, to me, that there is a great deal of randomness in our lives; there is no master plan.  

Of course, we all have goals and fantasies, things we would like to do.  To attempt to accomplish these things we create paths in our minds, others write them in steps or priorities.  These paths help us stay focused on these goals, but what I have experienced is that the actual execution of these steps takes place in an ether we live in not in isolation.  Naturally, the path to our goals is heavily modulated by the environment we are in; by our lives.

Christina and I had many plans. A recurring fantasy was to have a long holiday with her.  We often talked about going to a warm place and simmering our bodies on a white sand beach.  Sorry girls, this fantasy only included Mom and me; no kids in this dream which hits at the idea that was going to be profoundly intimate. 

It continues to be difficult for my daughters; they were both very close to their mother, more than anyone could imagine.  This is normal because their lives were developing around their mother, and she was an exceptional one.  

I cannot occupy the vacuum left by Christina and can only take a more active role in their development.  The message I pass to my daughters is that they can continue to learn from their mother; she lives in their memory.  My intention is not to delegate to the memory of their mother to help them with their journey and I truly believe Christina can continue to be a source of inspiration to reach their goals.

Tomorrow is Christina's birthday and it will mark the third year we celebrate October 24th without her.  I will make Chicken Paprikash, her favorite meal.  Raquel is preparing a cake, she started today and she is baking away as I type.  I bought a bottle of Tokaji, a classic Hungarian dessert wine to have a little toast to her memory.  

Undeniably, Christina is still part of our lives.

When I started writing these stories my objective was to record my experience during almost 30 years of getting to know someone.  I have written a few stories about myself and that was not the intention.

This post does not have to make sense.  It feels like I am rambling, just writing things down as I talk to myself in this perennial monolog.  Perhaps, all I am doing is trying to make sense of what has happened as I move through time.

Bread, Honey, and Paint

We have not made bread at home in a long time.  The kind of bread we usually bake is heavy, multigrain, good for breakfast, not fluffy, and leaves a sensation of satisfaction when you eat it any time of the day.  A toast from this bread goes well with butter and honey, but it is also great with a couple of fried eggs on top.  You might not find this appetizing, but I do.  Sometimes I put a slice of whichever cheese I find in the fridge, a slice of salami, and the eggs on top.  Livia enjoys that kind of savory toast, but Raquel does not care; she is a waffle girl.

The recipe that we always use for making heavy-grain breakfast bread calls for honey, however, next to that line there is a note from Christina - "Use sugar instead".  Her bread was always wonderful.  The bread is now baking and I am waiting for the timer to go off to get it out of the oven and leave the loaf to cool overnight on a rack. I am looking forward to a slice!

Over the weekend I painted the window frame of the living room.  It was an old overdue project of ours.  

Before Christina was diagnosed with cancer we started to paint the inside of the home.  She planned the job very carefully, taking pictures of the walls and discussing colors with me and a close friend of hers who is an interior decorator.  I agreed to the color selection and Christina and I started painting.  The new wall colors give a warm feeling to our home.

After the cancer diagnosis, the painting project had to be put on the back burner as we focused on her getting better.  

In the summer of 2020, after she recovered from her first surgery and finished her chemotherapy and radiation, we continued the renovation and finished all the walls except the living room window frame.  It is done now.  I stand in front of the window to admire the result and hear Christina's voice - "It looks great Jose, thanks for finishing".

On The Road

 

I believe that one of the subjects for intense philosophical discussions known to modern humanity is what happens on streets, roads, and highways when we use them.  "The Truth" is by no means absolute but relative to everyone telling the story, circumstances, or sequence of events leading to a point in time.  Everyone could record the same event, and even if we all would like to be truthful,  we could underline different passages, willingly or not, that would make us look good at the light of scrutiny.  This happens because storytelling is subjective to the person who tells it.

Our family was not any different.  On road trips Christina and I have heated conversations about which lane was the best, the three-second rule, speed, when to overtake, etc, etc.  Of course; all these discussions were aimed at safe travel. However, there was a problem; we were both "alpha" drivers.

One way to break this "tied in the first place" could be by penalties; accidents and tickets.  Let us examine the numbers:

Christina

Accidents 1

Accident with 0% fault.  She was rear-ended at a stop sign.  Very difficult to dispute by the other driver who was driving with a suspended license.

Tickets 2

One ticket was a speeding ticket on Como Lake Ave, in Coquitlam.  The speed limit is 50 km/hr and she was traveling between 60 and 70.  Como Lake Ave is very hilly and if you are trying to economize your brakes then the vehicle could speed up very quickly.   As a result, Christina would never speed on Como Lake "Be careful Jose, they patrol this area!"  Everywhere else was not treated in the same fashion; she had a bit of a heavy foot!  I usually do not speed when I have passengers.  I might speed, for the fun of it, if I am driving by myself in a desolate area.  The fastest I have driven my car was 180 km/hr, on a straight line, and cannot recall if the car would not go any faster or if it was the fear of having wildlife jump in front of the vehicle what made me return to reason.

Her second penalty was going through a red light and they sent home a picture of her car going through the intersection.  I never opened Christina's mail, and I recall that day collecting the mail and finding the letter addressed to Christina - "Mom, what is this?" - waving the letter at her in the air - "Oh, that!".  We opened the letter together to find a beautiful picture of her car.  I kissed her and told her to just pay it, that it could happen to anyone.  I am always afraid I am going to get one of those one day!

Jose

Accidents 4

1st and 2nd Accidents:   0% fault (Thanks to my dashcam!)

3rd Accident:  25% responsible.  I thought that it was not my fault, but the other driver was at 75% and did not argue further.

4th Accident: 50% responsible.  It was in a parking lot and we both backed out at the same time in opposite directions.  We both agreed that we had goofed.

Tickets 1

The ticket was disputed and not issued  It was for failing to have my driver's license with me while driving.

These driving records are from a time span of almost 30 years, which could be considered excellent, but it only takes one mistake leading to a bad accident to turn everything dark.  

Now that I am the sole driver I feel more apprehensive and there are situations and decisions I make on the road that hunt me, and I review them again in my mind even many days after the incident because my entire family depends on me, and even more so if they are all traveling with me.

I owe it to my wife and daughters; I need to be a better driver.

Open Letter

 Dear Love;

You would be pleased to know that Raquel is graduating from high school this summer.  My contribution to this affair was to make sure that her dream about how her graduation celebration was going to develop would become a reality.  Of course, I am not writing anything you do not know already because your presence is always among us.

I bought her a navy blue dress.  Beautiful, celestial, like the color of your eyes.  She is an interesting person when it comes to buying things, and as you have probably noticed our daughter has become more like me: when she sees something she likes, she makes up her mind and nothing else can change her choice.  I recall your style when making purchases was more malleable, but reactive and unambiguous, like Sodium metal.

We bought her dress in New Westminster, on a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon this past April.  When we arrived at the store I told Raquel to select the dress she liked, not to look at the price.  My intention was to set her imagination free and negotiate later.  The first dress she tried looked beautiful on her - "Dad, this is the dress, I love it!" - said she.  The dress did not need any significant alteration.   She looked for and tried other dresses under the suggestion of the store attendant, who was surprised that in only a few minutes Raquel had made up her mind on such a significant item.  We even visited other stores on Columbia Street, but it was all in vain.

After the fitting was done and minor alterations noted by the house tailor, we went to Metrotown Mall to secure "the shoes".  We found what she wanted. 

A few days later, when we went to the store to pick up her dress, I bought her earrings and a neckless.  She looked like a little queen ready to conquer her world.

While all this was unfolding in British Columbia, our oldest daughter managed to finally do her awaited European vacation.  She visited all of Europe, and you are not going to believe this; her favorite place was Hungary!  She liked many other places as well, in particular, the south of France, Spain, and Italy - "Dad, you would love it here!" she used to tell me regularly.  She had a blast!

I supported them all I could, traveling extra miles, as you well know, to help them succeed in their endeavors.

Today we had a great day.  In the morning I prepared one of our Saturday morning breakfast specials: Belgian Waffles, accompanied by homemade sweet fruit sauce, our very own grown strawberries from your garden, topped by freshly whipped cream, and nice hot coffee.  We shared a lovely time together and I could picture you seating right across me, on the other side of the table, looking at us and smiling.  

The day continued to have beautiful colors.  In the early afternoon, we went to John Tedder's house for a Gender Reveal party; Kevin and Sidney are going to be parents! 

The place was buzzing with people from all families.  The Tweens were there, Mrs. Tedder, your mom, Sandra, Sarah, Madison, and Brook were also there.  Sidney has a big family; all very nice people.  I spent a great time socializing with everyone and had very animated conversations with the Tweens and John.  It was very pleasant.  You were remembered by the Tedders and they had sincere kind words.  I thanked them.

After the big reunion, I took the girls, and your mom, to one of your favorite places; Fort Langley.  At the town, we enjoyed refreshments and visited different stores and before we ended the visit your mom bought the girls treats from the candy store. Grandma offered to get me something but I heard your voice in my ear "You do not need that!", so I politely declined.

I will go to sleep now, I am tired and it is well past midnight.  

Missing you with every cell,

Your husband.

XOXOXO