My Family After Tragedy

In the summer of 1994, I was working as a research associate at Queens College of the City University of New York, in Professor Robert Bittman's research group. My research topic was the use of glycosylated synthetic lipid ether as cancer cell growth inhibitors.  During my research, I had already written an article in the Journal of Medicinal Chemistry on the subject, had a patent, and had created a terminology to describe and group these types of compounds: GAELs . I was so proud of it! Due to my work, I spent countless hours in the laboratory.  For our research group, there was a computer that we used primarily to search and read summaries of articles published in an online library by the American Chemical Society. That was progress! Having a computer in the lab also allowed me to use it to save on my phone bill and "chat" with Christina. Christina would log into her lab computer at SFU and we'd have these snippets of daily delight.  We used a Unix-based program nam

Early this morning I made Date Squares, our favorite road trip snack!  Last night I went to bed hoping the weather would improve on Hwy 3 on route to Manning Provincial Park, but no; the winter storm warning is still in effect and the advice is not to venture onto the roads unless strictly necessary. Although for me it is, on this special day of the year; I turned to "your advice" and decided to wait for signs of improvement in the weather. Maybe tomorrow there will be a break in the weather and I can go visit one of our favorite places in British Columbia; I need this. This morning I was also busy looking for a photograph that is alive in my mind but I could not find it; I could draw that image, I will describe it to you. On December 20, 1994, my flight from New York landed in Seattle. You were waiting for me at the airport standing by the gate being so beautiful! Our meeting after many months was wonderful, but we wanted to get married and we had to decide what to do next. 

 As I write these words, the clock keeps ticking against my will for the next minute and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I would give a part of me to see my wife again, hear her voice and feel her skin, touch her hair, smell the fragrance of her breath, so sweet ... This month will mark six months since I lost my wife, but it will also be our 27th wedding anniversary. We had known each other for a long time and I was very much in love with her the day she died, just like the first time I realized that she was my beloved 30 years ago. I recently started reading a book for widowers. After reading the first few pages, I was moved because I could sympathize with the author: we both lost our wives in very similar circumstances and we both fought for their lives until the last breath; however, the life that I shared with my wife changed me in ways that are difficult to explain, even to understand, even by myself; it is like if we had fused into each other.  How can that be undone? Midn