Techno Love Proposal

In the summer of 1994, I was working as a research associate at Queens College of the City University of New York, in Professor Robert Bittman's research group. My research topic was the use of glycosylated synthetic lipid ether as cancer cell growth inhibitors.  During my research, I had already written an article in the Journal of Medicinal Chemistry on the subject, had a patent, and had created a terminology to describe and group these types of compounds: GAELs. I was so proud of it!

Due to my work, I spent countless hours in the laboratory.  For our research group, there was a computer that we used primarily to search and read summaries of articles published in an online library by the American Chemical Society. That was progress!

Having a computer in the lab also allowed me to use it to save on my phone bill and "chat" with Christina. Christina would log into her lab computer at SFU and we'd have these snippets of daily delight. 

We used a Unix-based program named "talk".  We would login to the terminal and wait for the "talk" request to come in.  When the program started the screen would split in two and she would type on one side and me on the other.  We could both type at the same time but we would use it as a conversation.  I would make so many spelling mistakes!  There were no squiggly lines under the misspelled word to warn me so I had to type with my heart in my hand!  Fortunately for me, I had Christina telling me about my mistakes whenever she could.  It was a daunting task for her believe me!

On a summer night, a talk session ended differently and it went like this:

Happy Anniversary!

Early this morning I made Date Squares, our favorite road trip snack! 

Last night I went to bed hoping the weather would improve on Hwy 3 on route to Manning Provincial Park, but no; the winter storm warning is still in effect and the advice is not to venture onto the roads unless strictly necessary. Although for me it is, on this special day of the year; I turned to "your advice" and decided to wait for signs of improvement in the weather. Maybe tomorrow there will be a break in the weather and I can go visit one of our favorite places in British Columbia; I need this.

This morning I was also busy looking for a photograph that is alive in my mind but I could not find it; I could draw that image, I will describe it to you.

On December 20, 1994, my flight from New York landed in Seattle. You were waiting for me at the airport standing by the gate being so beautiful!

Our meeting after many months was wonderful, but we wanted to get married and we had to decide what to do next.  All planning was done in the lobby of The Edgewater Hotel. The place was beautifully decorated for Christmas, had a great atmosphere, wide couches, very comfortable, and there was a complementary phone in the lobby to make local calls. Really nice.

You were going through the Yellow Pages looking for someone who could marry us. As I gazed at you, I placed the camera on the chair in front of you, set the timer, and ran to your side - "Smile!" - snap! I think I framed your shoulders with my hands as I held you still and brought my face close to yours for the momento.

After a few phone calls, you found a small church that could do the ceremony. "Oh, you can marry us?  Great! What do we do in preparation? Ah, a license, okay, we will get it now... what time on the 22nd? We will be there!"

"There is no time to lose José, we have to go to the Marriage Department and get a marriage license!" - Incredible, just like that and we jumped into Christina's car and drove a few blocks to the King County Marriage Department.

When we got there, to my surprise, there was a queue to get licenses!  "We are not the only ones!" - you said between your teeth with a big grin in your face; always had something cheeky to say!  We were so excited, and on a day like today, 27 years ago, I heard the most beautiful speech from a pastor and my life changed forever.

Happy anniversary darling!

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

 As I write these words, the clock keeps ticking against my will for the next minute and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I would give a part of me to see my wife again, hear her voice and feel her skin, touch her hair, smell the fragrance of her breath, so sweet ...

This month will mark six months since I lost my wife, but it will also be our 27th wedding anniversary. We had known each other for a long time and I was very much in love with her the day she died, just like the first time I realized that she was my beloved 30 years ago.

I recently started reading a book for widowers. After reading the first few pages, I was moved because I could sympathize with the author: we both lost our wives in very similar circumstances and we both fought for their lives until the last breath; however, the life that I shared with my wife changed me in ways that are difficult to explain, even to understand, even by myself; it is like if we had fused into each other.  How can that be undone?

Midnight passed. 

On June 21, at this very moment, I would have been taking care of her, giving her medications through ports with probes under the skin: dexamethasone, morphine and phenobarbital. I would also change the position of her body to avoid pressure sores. I remember her breathing, her warmth, the calm expression of her face, as if resting and even though I knew she was in her last hours we were both together and I was there for her as promised.

My wife and I were genuinely in love with each other and although she is no longer here, my love for her has not changed at all. We used to have weekly "dates" and they could be as fancy as going to the theater to enjoy the symphony or an opera or as simple and warm as taking a walk in the woods near our neighborhood. We also went to dinner many times without our children; it was just for us to enjoy each others company. I loved those moments! How sublime it was!

When we watched a film, or a documentary together we weren't just watching movies together, we sat side by side skin-to-skin holding hands like two little children loving each other tenderly, or I would massage her feet or be resting my head on her thigs; I loved that!

Our intimacy had everything a man and a woman can do to feel loved, without limits, free. We also enjoyed having fun and tender moments. We joked with our children saying, "Mom and Dad are having a romantic shower! Please don't bother us!!!" - "Disgusting!" they would shout. 

Those showers were special! She liked very hot showers; me not so much, but I would get used to the hot water after a couple of minutes.  We took turns bathing our bodies, every inch, and then we would fuse in a long hug as the hot water ran through our bodies. How can I forget that?

Did we have dark days?  Yes, of course we did but we never question our feelings for each other and we always worked at listening and understanding one another.  This was our secret, besides I thought that she was the most beautiful person in the world!  Every love relationship needs to be maintain, take care of; it is like a tree, with no water, nutrients the tree will die.  Our tree was very healthy when she started her journey into the next life.

Christina and I always did something special on our anniversary. On that special day of the year we would go to Cypress Mountain or Manning Provincial Park for a long walk in the snow.  After our walk we would have dinner either at a restaurant or we would cook something really special.  Last year we went to Manning Park, so this year I will recreate that walk as a tribute to her memory and the love I feel for her.