What is The Meaning of All of This?

The answer to this question has been tormenting me since my wife started her journey into the stars. I did not have time to think about this while we were both racing for life through these fields. We are all meant to transcend when the time arrives but to perish buried in the thickest pain is horrifying. The pain of leaving children so young in life, departing so soon with many promises left without fulfilling. Just thinking about this my head spins.

Should we forget or should we not? Do I feel that I want to? Do we select memories to keep and others to avoid? Is it possible?

By June 14th, 2021, my wife had been nonresponsive for almost a week. She could not take any liquids or solids; she was readying for her journey. Doctors tell me that her body was shutting down with low brain activity. Her health had deteriorated so much that the time had come to provide her "comfort" with medication through subcutaneous ports set by a palliative nurse. I was in charge of providing her medications every few hours. For me this job was a sacred duty, keeping a rigorously strict schedule not to miss her next dosages. I did this 24/7 and to this day I have no idea where that strength came from, but I was not tired.

She was dying in front of us but I was hoping for a miracle; which never came in the form I wanted.

In the middle of all this adversity; I believe her mind was still functioning. Perhaps she thought of our voices as if they were part of dreams. I asked my younger daughter to play music with her clarinet every day. She played "Pirates Of the Caribbean", "Game Of Thrones", "Harry Potter", and many other tunes and melodies that they both loved. Christina, although laying on a hospital bed installed in our home completely immobile, seemed serene and tranquil while listening to the music our daughter was playing. I know she was listening because we both had always a strong connection that transcends the senses and as I looked at her I knew she was listening.

I shared my life with my wife completely, and fully, and her final days are part of that. We always thought that I was going to be the first one to commence the final journey and had her promise that she would be there for me until the final instance... but, it did not end that way.

Comments

It's been a Long Time Since I've Seen Her

To our daughters; I learned so much from your mother! She was my lover and my bosom friend. The summer of 1992 was running in earnest and Mom and I were escaping every day to many different places around the mainland. We were having the time of our lives! At the end of the summer, I did not have a penny left but was the happiest man alive! Mom had a white 1989 Chevrolet Cavalier station wagon. Her car smelled like a wet dog, Sam, her dog, was the main passenger before she met me. That car would break down every 100 kilometers or so and would run out of gas as soon as the gas red light went on, and guess who had to push; your Dad! But, we were like peas and carrots and as happy as they came. You always tell me - " Dad, you know strange old words and expressions no one uses these days! " Your mom is responsible for that! I learned what a "Sea Shanty" is in that white Cavalier listening to CBC radio. The station had a show on sailors and fishermen and how po

Settling the Score

Today, completely out of the blue, I remembered a story from my childhood. In my neighborhood, there was a child whom everyone called "Buchee". This fellow was a lot older than me, about three or four years older. Therefore, if I recall correctly he must have been a young teenager when these events happened. Buchee lived near my maternal grandparents, who lived two blocks from where I lived. Every time I visited my grandparents I had to walk by Buchee's house and we would exchange hellos and sometimes we would tease each other lightly, nothing offensive. I would visit my grandparents daily after school therefore I would walk the distance every day and most days Buchee and I would exchange friendly words. One evening a group of children, including me, were playing cards on the sidewalk, a few doors from my grandparents. These games could be very competitive and the currency used at that time was crystal marbles. At some point, the stakes were very high and the poo

Dear Love

Dear Love, Forgive me, it has been a while since I have written to you. It is not for the lack of news; home is buzzing with events typical of growing pains and gaining experience. For me, it is just about missing your hands, warm body, your words; missing planning something to do together. I must admit, you always had the best ideas. Recently I became a Master Chef , but not the kind of chef popular among all ages; oh, no! I cook your dishes, daring, adventurous, and full of flavor! I set the table and see you on your chair , right opposite to mine displaying my favorite smile, approving the dinner. I remember when you made Spaghetti Tomato Bassilic for the first time. You thought that I was not going to like it. Boy, were you in for a surprise! It became my favorite dinner! You made it for me. What a treat! Oh, Christina, you were the wife I always wanted to have! The fact that we found each other made me feel very special. We worked hard to be together and celebrated

My Family After Tragedy

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