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What is The Meaning of All of This?


The answer to this question has been tormenting me since my wife started her journey into the stars.  I did not have time to think about this while we were both racing for life through these fields.  We are all meant to transcend when the time arrives but to perish buried in the thickest pain is horrifying.  The pain of leaving children so young in life, departing so soon with many promises left without fulfilling.  Just thinking about this my head spins.

Should we forget or should we not? Do I feel that I want to? Do we select memories to keep and others to avoid? Is it possible? 

By June 14th, 2021, my wife had been nonresponsive for almost a week.  She could not take any liquids or solids; she was readying for her journey.  Doctors tell me that her body was shutting down with low brain activity.  Her health had deteriorated so much that the time had come to provide her "comfort" with medication through subcutaneous ports set by a palliative nurse.  I was in charge of providing her medications every few hours.  For me this job was a sacred duty, keeping a rigorously strict schedule not to miss her next dosages.  I did this 24/7 and to this day I have no idea where that strength came from, but I was not tired.  

She was dying in front of us but I was hoping for a miracle; which never came in the form I wanted.

In the middle of all this adversity; I believe her mind was still functioning.  Perhaps she thought of our voices as if they were part of dreams.  I asked my younger daughter to play music with her clarinet every day.  She played "Pirates Of the Caribbean", "Game Of Thrones", "Harry Potter", and many other tunes and melodies that they both loved.  Christina, although laying on a hospital bed installed in our home completely immobile, seemed serene and tranquil while listening to the music our daughter was playing.  I know she was listening because we both had always a strong connection that transcends the senses and as I looked at her I knew she was listening.

I shared my life with my wife completely, and fully, and her final days are part of that.  We always thought that I was going to be the first one to commence the final journey and had her promise that she would be there for me until the final instance... but, it did not end that way.


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